Some humorous aphorisms to brighten a very dull and rainy day.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.